Member Since: 08 Jul 2016
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 81
These should put a smile on your dial !
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife"
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband,
a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
16th Nov 2018 12:21 pm
ianm27
Member Since: 02 Jun 2016
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 2154
Bazalab - you taking over the mantle from Aston Builder?? Uncle Ray's spare wheel protector
Limo Tint
Blackvue front & rear dashcam
Cruise control switch pack
Bodsy's remote for FBH
16th Nov 2018 1:39 pm
Bazalab
Member Since: 08 Jul 2016
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 81
FUNNIES
ianm27 - don't know Aston Builder's reputation so must assume to be a wonderful fellah!
Now this one will make you laugh!!
16th Nov 2018 2:51 pm
ianm27
Member Since: 02 Jun 2016
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 2154
Just an example Aston Builders' "jokes" - make up your own mind
astonbuilder wrote:
.......for a cake.
Loads of choice all at 50p each except for one at £1.
I had to ask; why all 50p except for the one at £1?
“Oh, that” he said, “that’s Madeira cake”
Uncle Ray's spare wheel protector
Limo Tint
Blackvue front & rear dashcam
Cruise control switch pack
Bodsy's remote for FBH
16th Nov 2018 3:49 pm
astonbuilder
Member Since: 29 Sep 2006
Location: MIDLANDS
Posts: 8144
Don’t do jokes online any more as some (fairly innocuous?) fell foul off the ‘red triangle’ so given most jokes can, by definition of PC’ness at its most ludicrous level, can/does ‘offend’ somone (jokes about Irish, English, Scottish, et al, ‘auburn haired people’, people with non-male chromosomes, political difference, country outside of the UK, religion not matching ‘your’ belief, etc, etc.) then the cake joke above is about all that’s left - no offence to people from Portugal intended or implied - ......
If I read all the jokes and funnies with the same PC hat on I reckon could call foul on about 80% plus of them.....
16th Nov 2018 6:15 pm
kajtzu
Member Since: 10 Aug 2017
Location: Helsinki
Posts: 6759
We miss your jokes, astonbuilder
16th Nov 2018 6:31 pm
DSL Keeper of the wheelie bin
Member Since: 11 May 2006
Location: Off again! :-)
Posts: 73096
Certainly do.
16th Nov 2018 6:33 pm
kajtzu
Member Since: 10 Aug 2017
Location: Helsinki
Posts: 6759
Click image to enlarge
Take that all you Volvo owners! Err, wait...
16th Nov 2018 7:03 pm
hugeviking
Member Since: 08 Jun 2010
Location: cotswolds
Posts: 1482
Didn't realise that had happened to you astonbuilder, how ridiculous.
I will miss your jokes
As you say, by their very nature, jokes can be close to the wire but you have to roll with them like i do when i hear jokes about the illness that my dad died from.
Andi.
16th Nov 2018 8:29 pm
lynalldiscovery
Member Since: 22 Dec 2009
Location: Maidstone
Posts: 7274
Take the poison
17th Nov 2018 5:44 am
lynalldiscovery
Member Since: 22 Dec 2009
Location: Maidstone
Posts: 7274
astonbuilder wrote:
Don’t do jokes online any more as some (fairly innocuous?) fell foul off the ‘red triangle’ so given most jokes can, by definition of PC’ness at its most ludicrous level, can/does ‘offend’ somone (jokes about Irish, English, Scottish, et al, ‘auburn haired people’, people with non-male chromosomes, political difference, country outside of the UK, religion not matching ‘your’ belief, etc, etc.) then the cake joke above is about all that’s left - no offence to people from Portugal intended or implied - ......
If I read all the jokes and funnies with the same PC hat on I reckon could call foul on about 80% plus of them.....
Sadly thats now the world we live in, people are offended by the very fact you are not offended by what offends them!
17th Nov 2018 5:47 am
Iceman08
Member Since: 22 Sep 2014
Location: Hereford
Posts: 2284
astonbuilder wrote:
Don’t do jokes online any more as some (fairly innocuous?) fell foul off the ‘red triangle’ so given most jokes can, by definition of PC’ness at its most ludicrous level, can/does ‘offend’ somone (jokes about Irish, English, Scottish, et al, ‘auburn haired people’, people with non-male chromosomes, political difference, country outside of the UK, religion not matching ‘your’ belief, etc, etc.) then the cake joke above is about all that’s left - no offence to people from Portugal intended or implied - ......
If I read all the jokes and funnies with the same PC hat on I reckon could call foul on about 80% plus of them.....
Ignore the sensitive people and crack on mate!
The world is full of over sensitive do gooders these days
17th Nov 2018 11:11 am
Bazalab
Member Since: 08 Jul 2016
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 81
Humour
17th Nov 2018 11:51 am
Sea Raider
Member Since: 01 Nov 2016
Location: None
Posts: 4450
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