Member Since: 02 Sep 2007
Location: Staffordshire
Posts: 2401
Remember
Melt away when exposed to heat.Rob Smith
Silver rools OK
9th Jun 2022 6:09 pm
RRSTDV8
Member Since: 07 Apr 2014
Location: Here
Posts: 13537
Yeah, but they also create a fatal avalanche when they get together in a big enough group...
More people have died because of snow than because of gammon. Visiting from rrsport.co.uk
2012 RRS SDV6
2008 RRS TDV8
"When you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who's going to die! You don't know who's children are going to scream and burn. How many hearts will be broken. How many lives shattered. How much blood will spill, until everybody does what they were always going to have to do from the very beginning: SIT DOWN AND TALK!"
9th Jun 2022 6:42 pm
Kelvo
Member Since: 07 Aug 2015
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 264
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here; he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here; he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour.
There's a dentist here; 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And me? I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me :-
The F Arab.
10th Aug 2022 11:14 am
nigethecat
Member Since: 11 Sep 2016
Location: Marnoch
Posts: 4244
Breaking news:
Click image to enlarge
Conspiracy theorists have become concerned that Peruvian owls hunt in pairs because...
they’re Inca hoots.I want to see the sweets before I get into your windowless van... I'm not stupid!
Corris Grey D4 Commercial SE 2016
Zermatt Sliver 2007 D3 SE manual (gone)
Indus Silver D4 HSE 2015 (gone)
Bonatti Grey D3 HSE 2006 (gone)
White D3 S (LHD) 2007 (gone)
Firenze Red D4 HSE 2014 (gone)
Black RRS 3.6TDV8 2008 (gone)
Rusty Green Defender 110 1997 (gone)
Black FL2 HSE 2013 (gone)
16th Sep 2022 9:50 am
defector
Member Since: 23 Feb 2009
Location: Greater Manchester
Posts: 1471
How Tough Are The SAS
I’ll put it like this:
I was once standing around a small bonfire in a forest in Germany, with a Para and an SAS guy. I was Royal Signals. They started arguing about who was the hardest.
The Para started bragging about his unit: “We parachute behind enemy lines, tab 8 miles to the battle carrying 100 pounds of kit, kick the crap out of the enemy. They all know they’ve been done by the Para’s.”
The SAS guy said: “Well we get behind enemy lines anyway we can, we tab 60 miles carrying 150lbs of kit. We then attack the enemy, do them over and then withdraw without anyone knowing we were there”.
They both turned expectantly to me.
You know what I said? Nothing, I just carried on poking the fire with the tip of my penis…
George lives in Perth, Ont. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, War in Ukraine, China, global warming, racial tensions, supply chain disruptions, rising prices, inflation and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
George drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and opened all the windows, selected his favourite radio station, started the car and set it to a slow idle.
Five days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services, they sent an ambulance and they broke in, pulling George from the car.
After a sandwich and a little sip of water, surprisingly, George was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
2nd Nov 2022 12:13 pm
Paul J.
Member Since: 09 Dec 2005
Location: Leafy Cheshire
Posts: 7614
An ex-Disco3 / FFRR owner ......
..... now on the JLR electric highway.
26th Nov 2022 7:29 pm
SENC
Member Since: 24 Sep 2022
Location: NC
Posts: 52
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool and drinking Scotch isn't a good thing.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 81 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
Life as a senior isn't getting easier but sometimes it can be fun!
10th Dec 2022 2:03 am
waterbuoy
Member Since: 26 Oct 2013
Location: Argyll
Posts: 2915
Borrowed from another forum but many are appropriate to my DIY efforts:
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
ANGLE GRINDER :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE SPANNER:
aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
b d TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ' b d ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.Currently 2009 Disco 3 SE, 2013 MY D4 HSE and 2016 D4 SE
Previously:
TD5 Defender 110 CSW (230k miles)
300TDi Disco 1 (289k)
4 RR Classics (300-350k each, 2 manual, 2 auto)
110 V8 CSW (220k)
S3 109 hi cap pickup (ex RN)
S2A 88 Safari SW with lpg conversion (bloody lethal)
4th Jan 2023 11:50 am
nigethecat
Member Since: 11 Sep 2016
Location: Marnoch
Posts: 4244
I want to see the sweets before I get into your windowless van... I'm not stupid!
Corris Grey D4 Commercial SE 2016
Zermatt Sliver 2007 D3 SE manual (gone)
Indus Silver D4 HSE 2015 (gone)
Bonatti Grey D3 HSE 2006 (gone)
White D3 S (LHD) 2007 (gone)
Firenze Red D4 HSE 2014 (gone)
Black RRS 3.6TDV8 2008 (gone)
Rusty Green Defender 110 1997 (gone)
Black FL2 HSE 2013 (gone)
7th Jan 2023 7:47 pm
waterbuoy
Member Since: 26 Oct 2013
Location: Argyll
Posts: 2915
Currently 2009 Disco 3 SE, 2013 MY D4 HSE and 2016 D4 SE
Previously:
TD5 Defender 110 CSW (230k miles)
300TDi Disco 1 (289k)
4 RR Classics (300-350k each, 2 manual, 2 auto)
110 V8 CSW (220k)
S3 109 hi cap pickup (ex RN)
S2A 88 Safari SW with lpg conversion (bloody lethal)
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.. Upon arrival, they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: "Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here."
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, "I did.”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes
St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck.
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Arab.
