Member Since: 17 Mar 2008
Location: Northumberland
Posts: 2558
Dear Employee,...
Dear Employee,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHlT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHlT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHlT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHlT you can get.
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... so true
