Member Since: 09 Aug 2006
Location: East Manchester
Posts: 4030
Sunday Humour
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
19th Oct 2008 3:27 pm
flinty99
Member Since: 17 Mar 2008
Location: Northumberland
Posts: 2558
19th Oct 2008 3:53 pm
heine
Member Since: 07 Feb 2007
Location: Midrand
Posts: 4054
The older I get, the more I realise that people confuse wrinkles for wisdom
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19th Oct 2008 5:26 pm
buzz
Member Since: 19 May 2006
Location: lancashire
Posts: 585
britain throws itself into europe
European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c."
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k." This
should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan
have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be
replaced with "f."
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of
double letters which have always ben a deterent
to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent
"e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps
such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v."
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer,
ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a
united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst plas.Gone.......but not forgotten
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19th Oct 2008 8:08 pm
NJF
Member Since: 05 Oct 2007
Location: Gone
Posts: 2466
Member Since: 09 Aug 2006
Location: East Manchester
Posts: 4030
Nice
19th Oct 2008 8:18 pm
flinty99
Member Since: 17 Mar 2008
Location: Northumberland
Posts: 2558
very good,
19th Oct 2008 8:30 pm
buzz
Member Since: 19 May 2006
Location: lancashire
Posts: 585
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 30's 40's,50's and 60's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding three up on a push bike was always great fun.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate bread pudding, white bread and real butter and drank lemonade with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-karts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 799 channels on satellite, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computer s, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents .
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given air guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
School sports teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
old........but very apt............... Gone.......but not forgotten
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19th Oct 2008 8:34 pm
BORDER ROVER
Member Since: 03 Dec 2007
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 1105
Even the swmbo found that funny and she is a German.POT NOODLE NAVIGATION CHALLENGE 2010 WINNER
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Very Good! 
