A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl.. "I just use their surnames"
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.Am I Gammon or Woke ? - I neither know nor care.
2016 Discovery 4 Landmark
2011 Mercedes Benz SL350 (R230)
1973 MG B GT V8 - 3.9L John Eales engine, 5 speed R380 gearbox, since 1975.
1959 MGA roadster - 1.9L Peter Burgess Engine - 5 speed gearbox
Past LRs - Multiple FFRs, Discos & a Series I - some petrol, some diesel,
none Electric or H2 fuel cell - yet.
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Member Since: 15 Apr 2015
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 1664
Even the angels have attitude in Liverpool:
Spotted on the road to Crosby / Southport.2014 - D4 2010 HSE Nara Bronze
2012 - FL2 2009 GS Stornoway Grey
2001 - VW Passat Estate Inky Blue
1999 - Ford Mondeo Light Blue
1998 - Rover 25 Red
26th Jun 2018 9:29 am
DSL Keeper of the wheelie bin
Member Since: 11 May 2006
Location: Off again! :-)
Posts: 72774
Getting funny looks from my fellow passengers now.
26th Jun 2018 9:31 am
Ceekay
Member Since: 17 May 2009
Location: Bury
Posts: 2057
D4 HSE Lux MY16 Club Waitomo
D3 HSE MY06 missing her still…
26th Jun 2018 10:46 am
Fireburst
Member Since: 02 Nov 2017
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 187
Brilliant!
26th Jun 2018 10:54 am
kajtzu
Member Since: 11 Aug 2017
Location: Helsinki
Posts: 6566
People in the Liverpool area sure seem a bit dodgy after this
26th Jun 2018 11:03 am
ianm27
Member Since: 02 Jun 2016
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 2154
Just wait for a scouser to read this Uncle Ray's spare wheel protector
Limo Tint
Blackvue front & rear dashcam
Cruise control switch pack
Bodsy's remote for FBH
I daren't read it to my wife, I'll be sleeping with the dogs if I do!1972 Range Rover Classic 2 door V8
2013 Land Rover Discovery 4 HSE - SCRAPPED
2016 Land Rover Discovery 4 Landmark
2022 Volvo XC40 T5 PHEV 282HP FWD 3 cylinder!
26th Jun 2018 11:22 am
Alan B
Member Since: 12 Feb 2013
Location: Fife
Posts: 6528
D3 57 xs Stornaway grey
D2 02 commercial silver gone but a great servant and won't be forgotten
When I was in hospital after having my son I was in a ward with some lovely ladies. The girl in the bed opposite however was what I would politely call RAF (rough as ...). Couldn’t string a sentence together and had a knuckle dragging boyfriend who must have been on day release from prison and would rob milk and blankets!
One day, the midwife sat with her checking the baby. ‘Have you thought of a name for this baby yet!”
“No” came the reply in a thick accent.
“Well what names do you like?”
“I like the name Shaun”
“There we are then, why don’t you call him Shaun!”
“My other little boy’s called Shaun”
The look on the midwifes face was priceless and the rest of us in the ward nearly died trying not to laugh!
That first joke just cracked me up!As you slide down the banister of life
may no splinters point your way
Disco XXV
RRS2 Autobiography Dynamic MY16
Discovery Sport HSE Lux MY17
Evoque HSE Dynamic MY16 (Gone)
RRS2 Autobiography Dynamic MY14 (Lovely car but preferred the Disco!)
Disco 3 Tdv6 HSE MY05 (owned for 11 years and now gone)
Range Rover Sport HSE MY11 (Gone)
Freelander2 SE (Gone but the most reliable car we've ever owned)
Disco 2 V8 (Gone)
26th Jun 2018 1:19 pm
philm
Member Since: 02 Oct 2016
Location: Manchester
Posts: 732
L633 Defender
Range Rover Velar-gone
Discovery 4 Landmark-gone
Gap IID Tool
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