The Large One
Member Since: 20 Apr 2007
Location: Down the polytunnel
Posts: 6143
  
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| I couldn't stop laughing at some of these |
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A mate of mine sent me these on email
He says they are from a lonely heart coloumn in a book magazine subscription....Classic
My fav so far is the "Ploughing a lonely furrow" one 
Well-educated 31-year-old London girl with sultry Mediterranean looks seeks sparkling conversationalist to take her out on an old-fashioned date. Age unimportant, opera tickets optional, good manners essential. Restaurant suggestions and your obscure intellectual passions to...
Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. When you reply to this advert your life will never be the same again. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie.
box no. 31/01
Not only will this advert win me the woman of my dreams (25, tall, brunette, fun, likes late nights, computer games and Pop Tarts), it also wins me a place at the grown-ups’ table. Errant son, 18, swapping Dad’s Hustler subscription for this crap for the last two years.
box no. 31/02
Dear LRB, I have no money. Please run my advert for free. I want a woman who is 38. Let her know I’m really clever and good-looking. Thanks.
box no. 31/03
I hate you all. I hate London. I hate books. I hate critics. I hate this magazine, I hate this column and I hate all the goons who appear in it. But if you have large breasts, are younger than 30 and don’t want to talk about the novel you’re ‘writing’ I’ll put all that aside for approximately two hours one Saturday afternoon in January. Man, 33.
box no. 31/04
Everyone. My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self-loathing. Just f**k off. Or else write back and we’ll make love. Gentleman, 37.
box no. 31/05
If you’re reading this hoping for a mini-biopic about battles with drugs, cancer and divorce, talk to the guy above. But if you want to know about historical battle sites in Scotland, talk to me. Alan, 45. Scottish historical battle expert and BDSM fetishist.
box no. 31/06
I make my own sexual lubricant. The secret ingredient is Bovril. Man, 56. Congleton.
box no. 31/07
I put the phrase ‘five-header bi-sexual orgy’ in this ad to increase my Google hits. Really I’m looking for someone who likes hearty soups and jigsaws of kittens. Woman, 62. Bury.
box no. 31/08
Cobalt blue eyes, bronze hair and a heart of gold but also Nerves of steel! Legs of potassium! A forehead of lithium! All the most attractive elements than you could want or that your first Salter Science kit could ever have delivered from reactive lady (F. 31) seeking generous physics man to 35, who has at least seen a woman naked before, and won’t passively aggressively play muted classical music while I’m trying to read during quiet time. No Borons.
box no. 24/04
Pineapple seeks cheese with own stick. F, 26, London.
Would you be able to carry on an extended erotic correspondence with a filthy-minded forties man on the basis of a one-off coffee in the Long Acre Pret a Manger?
box no. 23/01
You like walking barefoot on cold beaches in the winter, movies that make you cry and baking cookies that you have no intention of eating. I like defending my home against the government forces that are trying to destroy me and knitting carpet samples from fibre remnants found in the back of the dryers at my local launderette. Are we fools to think it could ever work? Moron and amateur carpet sample enthusiast (M, 35).
box no. 23/02
Billie Piper fantasist. You’re Belle de Jour. I’m not Christopher Eccleston in Doctor Who (unless you have glaucoma, in which case I’m 6’2â€, very well built, and have a classically handsome nose). Man, 67.
box no. 23/03
The finest mind in the academic world conceived this ad, but it was his secretary who took two and half hours out of her day to collate his angst-ridden ramblings, phone the LRB and pay for it on her own credit card. He’s basically looking for an affair with a twenty something idiot tart who needs good grades. I’m looking for a better job, a decent pension package, and a man to 50 who’s great in bed and doesn’t make condescending comments about every damn book I read. Man, 57. Or his secretary, 43.
box no. 23/04
I’m everything you ever wanted in a woman. Assuming you’re into fat 47-year old moody bitches who really don’t enjoy the mornings. Stop talking and pour the bloody marys at..
box no. 23/05
I am Mr Right! You are Miss Distinct Possibility. Your parents are Mr and Mrs Obscenely Rich. Your Uncle is Mr Expert Tax Lawyer. Your cousin is Ms Spare Apartment On A Caribbean Hideaway That She Rarely Uses. Your brother is Mr Can Fix You Up A Fake Passport For A Small Fee. Man, 51.
box no. 23/06
'I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.'
'List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.'
'Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.'
'I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.'
'My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.'
'Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.'
'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.
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'Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.'
'Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.'
'Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.'
'Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks...damn it, I have to pee again.'
'Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.'
'Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.'
'Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.'
i took me some time to stop laughing at these TLO has left the building.......
I no longer work for a Landrover Dealer
My little chilli sauce business http://www.thechillees.co.uk
if you would like to order anything just give me a shout
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 8th Jan 2009 1:57 pm |
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Bodsy
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Member Since: 06 Nov 2006
Location: In the Clubhouse
Posts: 21361
 
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| 8th Jan 2009 2:13 pm |
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heine
Member Since: 07 Feb 2007
Location: Midrand
Posts: 4054
 
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| 8th Jan 2009 2:44 pm |
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DiscoDad
Member Since: 06 Nov 2006
Location: Beautiful Teesdale
Posts: 3004
 
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My fave-
'I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.'
Sensitive!
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| 8th Jan 2009 7:41 pm |
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White Disco
Member Since: 15 Jan 2007
Location: Gondwana. It's raining. We'll All be roon'd.
Posts: 1463
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| Re: I couldn't stop laughing at some of these |
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The Large One wrote:
Well-educated 31-year-old London girl with sultry Mediterranean looks seeks sparkling conversationalist to take her out on an old-fashioned date. Age unimportant, opera tickets optional, good manners essential. Restaurant suggestions and your obscure intellectual passions to...
Any further details o this one? Did you think I would leave you crying,
When there's room in my D3 for 7,
Climb in here Joe we'll soon be flying,
I can go just as fast with 7.
2005 TDV6 S with Terrain Response (& all that entails), Tasmods (gorn). 2008 TDV6 HSE (gone). A Dark Side umbrella (here) & car (here).
Volkswagen Golf (SWMBO's)
Datsun Insult (SWTSMBOBIO22SHOMSAH)
Datsun Insult (SWTSMBOBIO19SHOMSAH)
4 BMW's (Stents, not the silly cars)
Formerly RED DISCO
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| 11th Jan 2009 7:23 am |
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