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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
  
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The government has revealed that high explosives have been discovered in a consignment of tins of alphabet spaghetti.
A spokesman said that had one detonated, it could have spelt disaster. 08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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 4th Dec 2008 8:09 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise.'
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So solly,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!' 08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:14 pm |
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tanters
Member Since: 24 Oct 2007
Location: Oireland
Posts: 4287
  
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Good God 
GET THIS PERSON AND AUDIENCE 
 A happy childhood ... is the worst possible preparation for life.
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:16 pm |
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stevejhunt
Member Since: 26 Sep 2008
Location: Castleford
Posts: 129
 
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Christmas crackers being pulled a little too early................... I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member...........
06 Buck Blue Disco 3 TDV6
84 Marine Blue Series 3 2.25 petrol
06 Silver Audi A4 Cabriolet (the wife's baby)
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:18 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Spirit Festival, you will die in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?â€
The Lone Ranger responds, “I'd like to speak to my horse.â€
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with an attractive brunette on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
“You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?â€
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a beautiful blonde! She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
“You are indeed a man of many talents but, I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?â€
The Lone Ranger responds, “I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.â€
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully, you dumb-ass horse. For the last time… I SAID, BRING POSSEEEE!!†08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:18 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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Just warming up - more to follow  08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:19 pm |
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stevejhunt
Member Since: 26 Sep 2008
Location: Castleford
Posts: 129
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Please
No
Spare us
Its been snowing bad today!!
 I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member...........
06 Buck Blue Disco 3 TDV6
84 Marine Blue Series 3 2.25 petrol
06 Silver Audi A4 Cabriolet (the wife's baby)
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:21 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the  Pope as a chauffeur!' 08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:22 pm |
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stevejhunt
Member Since: 26 Sep 2008
Location: Castleford
Posts: 129
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Can't they be merged into a crap jokes thread
 I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member...........
06 Buck Blue Disco 3 TDV6
84 Marine Blue Series 3 2.25 petrol
06 Silver Audi A4 Cabriolet (the wife's baby)
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:23 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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The titles of the thread is a bit severe!
Miserable gits  08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:25 pm |
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stevejhunt
Member Since: 26 Sep 2008
Location: Castleford
Posts: 129
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Gracias I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member...........
06 Buck Blue Disco 3 TDV6
84 Marine Blue Series 3 2.25 petrol
06 Silver Audi A4 Cabriolet (the wife's baby)
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:25 pm |
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flinty99
Member Since: 17 Mar 2008
Location: Northumberland
Posts: 2558
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but they did get better - just
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:31 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?â€
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.â€
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ 08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:34 pm |
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