They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
Once I had a problem. I went out in the yard and there was a gorilla in my yard, way up in the tree. So I call Animal control, and after I assure tham I am not joking, they say they will send out a specialist. So a little later this van pulls up my drive.
"Great to see you," I say, "the darn gorilla is wreaking havoc on my tree!"
"No problem," says the man. "I do this sort of thing all the time."
The specialist opens his van, pulls out some climbing gear, a pointy stick, a dog in a kennel, a net and a shotgun. "Okay, sir, I'll get to work, but I'm gonna need your help."
"Okay," I say. "What's the climbing gear for?"
"Well, the plan is, I will use that to climb up the tree. Then I will poke the gorilla with the pointy stick, and he will fall out."
"Okay, then what happens?" I say. "Does the dog chase the gorilla into the van?"
"Well, no," he says "The dog is trained to run over to the gorilla and bite down on the gorilla's balls. This will immobilize the gorrilla long enough for you to throw the net over his head."
"And then we throw him in the van." I say, and he nods. "Got it. But I have one other question: what's the shotgun for?"
"Well," says the specialist, "If the gorilla knocks me out of the tree instead, you shoot that fecking dog!"
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
Member Since: 24 Oct 2007
Location: Oireland
Posts: 4287
A happy childhood ... is the worst possible preparation for life.
5th Dec 2008 5:41 pm
heine
Member Since: 07 Feb 2007
Location: Midrand
Posts: 4054
OK here goes
The same old couple from the porridge incident above go spend the weekend at the hotel where they spent thier honeymoon
They go for a walk and get to a fence surrounding a field . He says to her remember 50 years ago as you were climbing the fence your dress lifted up and I gave you one from behind .
She says yes - let's do it again .
Afterwards he says - gee you were even more excited than the first time 50 years ago
She says - 50 years ago the f cking fence wasn't electrified
5th Dec 2008 5:50 pm
DG Site Moderator
Member Since: 12 Dec 2005
Location: The Gaff
Posts: 50979
Sadly for Agoraphobics .......the cure is just around the corner 21 year LR veteran > D2 GS 2003 > D3 S 2006 > D3 HSE 2009 > D4 HSE 2013 > D4 HSE 2015 > D5 HSE 2018 > DS HSE R-Dynamic P300e 2021
5th Dec 2008 6:13 pm
Discoeast
Member Since: 19 Feb 2008
Location: Boksburg
Posts: 800
Keep it comming D3 bullbar-spots-roof rack with spots-ladder-long range tank-swing out spare wheel carrier- upgraded tow bar-dash console-internal water tank-duel awnings-drawer system & T T.
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Wherezz that woman with the sore tooth?"08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
6th Dec 2008 5:19 am
Discoeast
Member Since: 19 Feb 2008
Location: Boksburg
Posts: 800
Go man go D3 bullbar-spots-roof rack with spots-ladder-long range tank-swing out spare wheel carrier- upgraded tow bar-dash console-internal water tank-duel awnings-drawer system & T T.
6th Dec 2008 10:58 am
flinty99
Member Since: 17 Mar 2008
Location: Northumberland
Posts: 2558
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: £5.50
Chicken Sandwich: £7.50
Hand Job: £10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary dosh, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I'd like a cheese sandwich!"08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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cking fence wasn't electrified
