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DG
Site Moderator
Member Since: 12 Dec 2005
Location: The Gaff
Posts: 50979
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As if by magic  21 year LR veteran > D2 GS 2003 > D3 S 2006 > D3 HSE 2009 > D4 HSE 2013 > D4 HSE 2015 > D5 HSE 2018 > DS HSE R-Dynamic P300e 2021
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 4th Dec 2008 8:35 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
  
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.â€
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.†08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:35 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!â€
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!â€
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.†08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:37 pm |
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tanters
Member Since: 24 Oct 2007
Location: Oireland
Posts: 4287
  
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cdodkin wrote:The titles of the thread is a bit  severe!
Miserable gits 
Unjustified 
but seriously, have you swallowed a joke book .....or worse a comedian
 dont answer that last bit  A happy childhood ... is the worst possible preparation for life.
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:39 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.â€
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.â€
“But,†the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.†08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:39 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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tanters I just hit my funny bone as I sat down at the computer 08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:40 pm |
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Hobgoblin
Member Since: 15 Nov 2007
Location: As always, in the sh*t, it's only the depth that varies
Posts: 1445
  
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cdodkin wrote:“But,†the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.â€
Meow I'm not as good as I once was........but I'm as good once as I ever was.
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:45 pm |
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tanters
Member Since: 24 Oct 2007
Location: Oireland
Posts: 4287
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cdodkin wrote:tanters I just hit my funny bone as I sat down at the computer
as I say to my other half....everything cant possibly be my fault A happy childhood ... is the worst possible preparation for life.
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| 4th Dec 2008 8:46 pm |
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PaulP
Member Since: 04 May 2007
Location: Barcelona
Posts: 4317
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The thread title was very justified and in itself much funnier than your first jokes
But...........you're getting better 
cdodkin wrote:go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.â€
This is the funniest punch line that I've heard for a long time  2006 Discovery 3 TDV6 SE Auto Buckingham Blue
2007 Golf GT DSG
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| 4th Dec 2008 9:03 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him." 08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 9:12 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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And finally...
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!" 08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 9:18 pm |
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GLYNNE
Member Since: 06 Oct 2006
Location: KENT
Posts: 4696
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We like them here, so keep them coming, better than the on telly 
p.s ignore the misery guts
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| 4th Dec 2008 10:04 pm |
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BLFarrar
Member Since: 02 Aug 2006
Location: Deepest, Dankest, Darkest, Dingiest......Le Halifax, West Yorkshire...with strong links to Ireland
Posts: 6222
 
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cdodkin keep em coming BREXIT - done properly.
Right now ...We need Government - not Politics
Save the Dipstick Flagbearer-keep it simple, less likely to fail campaign-agenda items:Starting Handles, Acetylene Lamps.
Founder: Dipsticks-R-Us Inc
D3 HSE-perfectly formed, passenger friendly...has real DIPSTICK
Jag XK-but sadly no DIPSTICK...HUGE design fault
FL2 has DIPSTICK..."real comfort in rear seats"
VW Golf wondermobile (?)..has real DIPSTICK
Morris Minor..original DIPSTICK technology..and a real KEY.
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| 4th Dec 2008 10:43 pm |
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cdodkin
Member Since: 18 Aug 2008
Location: Ex Pat Brit in California
Posts: 700
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ok, just one more then! 
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window.
The notice said "We sell everything".
Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"
The salesperson said "Yes, everything".
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".
The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry.
When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag.
At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop.
He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"
The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock." 08 LR3 SE V8 - 02 D2 SE7 V8
Porsche 911 (03 996) - 2013 MINI Cooper S
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| 4th Dec 2008 11:29 pm |
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