Member Since: 24 Oct 2006
Location: Cheshire
Posts: 669
Actual letter sent to the Inland Revenue
Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; Traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, A "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, A little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking fa□ade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
13th Jul 2009 2:35 pm
DSL Keeper of the wheelie bin
Member Since: 11 May 2006
Location: Off again! :-)
Posts: 72787
13th Jul 2009 2:41 pm
NJF
Member Since: 05 Oct 2007
Location: Gone
Posts: 2466
13th Jul 2009 7:40 pm
Stu
Member Since: 08 Feb 2009
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 2423
Whilst I did enjoy the letter, I feel it has to be a fake, I've never met anyone from inland revenue with a sense of humour.
Please note that I am not including Customs in these comments.D3 HSE MY05 Auto
Expo Rack, Club MTR, LR Spots, A Bar, Light Guards, GNVP Sump Guard, GNVP Ladder, Cup Holders, RLD A Bar brackets. Disco3Club stickers, Aux power on Mod
Or, Stu, for that matter use more than one syllable in a word.
I can say that with confidence & impunity from over, down here without fear of sanction from your inland revenue office.
I have however just done Kruddy's Q & A here on how much should be removed from my ar e. [/list]Did you think I would leave you crying,
When there's room in my D3 for 7,
Climb in here Joe we'll soon be flying,
I can go just as fast with 7.
2005 TDV6 S with Terrain Response (& all that entails), Tasmods (gorn). 2008 TDV6 HSE (gone). A Dark Side umbrella (here) & car (here).
(sorry... ...but I think my whopping great big annual tax return I get for having 3 kids is about to diminish... )The next American ex-pat that calls it a "truck" is going to find out what 2.7 tons feels like on their foot...
Club "yes, I too have had the EGR's replaced..."
Club "yes, I too have had the compressor replaced..."
Club "yes, I too once had the car at the dealer for a couple of weeksnearly 4 weeksover 4 weeks...5 weeks"
Club "yes, I too have had EPB failure..."
Club "yes, I too get mysterious bings and bongs..."
I've always found it difficult to get my head around a system where one person's lifestyle choices (work hard, consume little) should be seen as an excuse to get them to fund others' lifestyle choices (fecundity and fecklessness).
Right, I'm off to put on a pair of pyjamas (bought a pair for this very purpose) and go and buy some faaaaags.I know it's not considered "kind" to say no these days, but no. Just no, ok? And if it's not ok, still no.
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gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, A "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
[/list]
...but I think my whopping great big annual tax return I get for having 3 kids is about to diminish... 
)
